Stubbornness is a Virtue, I Guess

Okay, well here I am being extreme again, but I mean what I say. I know stubbornness is not necessarily indicative of “goodness,” but it has paid off more times in my life than it has caused me grief.

Art has had a profound impact on my life. And when I say art, I mean all forms of it: from music to poetry to drama to painting. I took singing lessons for 2 years, learned how to build my own pinhole camera and develop film, I took classes in drama and helped perform and work backstage, won a contest for an oil pastel piece, created numerous chalk pastel aurora pieces, learned to paint with acrylic and watercolor, I drew tattoo designs, I wrote a novel, I wrote hundreds of poems, all before the age of 18.

I say this not to make me seem like I’m an arrogant person (I kind of am, though), or to put myself up on a pedestal, or to brag.

I say this because throughout doing all of this, I never felt like it was enough. I never felt like I was living up to the standard that I wanted. I wanted to, and still want to, be the best. And I don’t mean be the best I can be, but to be the best that anyone can be. A lofty goal. An unattainable goal.

If my brother went to pre-k, I had to too. So I started school a year earlier than everyone else. I had to be placed in a grade higher than mine for swimming competitions in elementary school because I was too fast for the kids in my grade (which, as I mentioned, was already technically a grade ahead of me).

Like I said, I’m extreme. Just ask my family; they’ve put up with me for almost 30 years.

Trust me, I think I’m a pain in the ass too. I’m annoyed by my confidence. I’m annoyed that I try so hard. And I am beyond annoyed at how much all of my efforts exhaust me.

I’ve talked a few times about how, while working on Sagittarius for my Zodiac Portrait series, I had to start over twice. Did I mention I did the same thing with Scorpio? Did I mention that I do this with almost everything?

It’s why I’ve had this website since 2012. Do you see how many blog posts I have? It’s two. Because over and over again, I’ve written and erased hundreds of blog posts. And yet here I am, blogging once again, trying to be better.

The picture above shows you the first version of Scorpio. I completely started over. Even after I was done with the final version, I couldn’t look at it for almost a month without feeling dissatisfied and wanting to start over.

Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I think the word they were looking for was perseverance.